Understanding Feelings & Communication
How to Help Children Play Fair, Take Turns, and Include Others
Fairness is not just a playground rule. It is one of the most important social skills a child aged 5 to 10 can learn — and adults have a bigger role in teaching it than most realise.
Watch a group of five year olds playing together and within a few minutes you will see it — someone changes the rules to stay in the lead, a child gets quietly left out of the game, or one voice dominates while others go unheard. These moments can feel small from the outside. But from inside a child’s world, they are anything but small.
Learning to play fair, take turns, and include others is not about manners. It is about how children understand fairness, belonging, and what it means to be treated with respect. Research published by the PSHE Association in February 2026 found that programmes building positive peer relationships increase children’s sense of connection, inclusion, and belonging — and those feelings matter deeply to a child’s wellbeing.
The good news is that fairness is a skill that can be taught. Children aged 5 to 10 are at exactly the right stage to learn it — and the adults around them are the most powerful teachers they have. This guide walks you through what fair play actually looks like at this age, why some children struggle with it, and the calm, practical steps you can take to help.
You do not need to be a teacher or a therapist. You need to know what to look for, what to say, and when to step in.
Why Fair Play Matters More Than You Think
Play is where children do some of their most important learning. Not just how to kick a ball or build a tower — but how to share space with other people, how to manage disappointment, how to read someone else’s feelings, and how to include people who might feel on the edge of a group.
A 2023 study published in the journal Early Childhood Education and Care found that children develop what researchers call “social and moral orderings” through everyday play — and that without adult guidance, some of those orderings can justify excluding others. Children do not always know instinctively that exclusion is wrong. They learn it, or they do not, depending largely on the adults around them.
UCL research published in 2025 found that exclusion at school age can have a long-term — even lifelong — impact on a child’s mental health and reduces their opportunities for the peer and adult interactions that help them grow. That research focused on formal school exclusions, but the same principle applies to the quieter, everyday exclusions that happen in playgrounds and living rooms every single day.
What the research says
558
primary school children were permanently excluded in Spring 2025 — a record high
Centre for Social Justice, April 2026
That figure represents the most serious end of exclusion. But the seeds of belonging — or not belonging — are planted much earlier, in the everyday moments of play that most adults walk past without a second thought.
What Unfair Play Actually Looks Like at Ages 5 to 10
Unfair play is not always obvious. It rarely involves one child standing up and announcing they are being deliberately unkind. More often it is subtle — and that subtlety is exactly why it needs adult attention.
Here are the patterns that most commonly appear in this age group, and what each one is actually communicating.
Changing the rules mid-game
A child who is losing suddenly announces a new rule that puts them back in the lead. This is not cheating in the way adults think of it — it is a child who has not yet learned that the rules belong to everyone, not just to the person who wants to win.
Quiet exclusion
No one tells a child they cannot play — they are just consistently not passed the ball, not chosen for a team, not included in the next part of the game. The excluded child feels it clearly. The excluding child may not even realise they are doing it.
Conditional kindness
A child is warm and inclusive only when things go their way. The moment they lose control of the game, they become sulky, unkind, or threatening to end the play entirely. This pattern, left unchecked, becomes a way of controlling relationships.
Dominating every decision
One child always decides what game is played, who takes which role, and what the rules are. Other children go along with it because it feels easier than disagreeing. Over time, the quieter children stop offering ideas at all.
None of these patterns makes a child bad. They make a child human — and they make them a child who needs a calm, steady adult to help them understand why these behaviours affect other people.
“Evidence-based programmes that build healthy peer relationships increase children’s sense of connection, inclusion and belonging.”
PSHE Association, February 2026
Meet Guy and Cesar
Guy the Guardian Gecko & Cesar the Clever Cat
Guy and Cesar are the heart of The Safe Circle universe — two characters built around the idea that every child deserves to feel safe, heard, and included. Together they help children aged 5 to 10 understand boundaries, belonging, and what it means to be a good friend.
How to Teach Fairness as a Practical Skill
Fairness needs to be taught the same way you teach any practical skill — by naming it clearly, practising it regularly, and noticing when a child gets it right. The 2025 RSHE guidance from the Department for Education places an explicit emphasis on teaching healthy relationship norms from primary age, including inclusive behaviour and respectful interaction.
Here are the core things to focus on with children aged 5 to 10.
Name turns out loud
Young children find abstract fairness hard to grasp. Make it concrete. “It is Aisha’s turn now” or “You had a long go — it is time to pass it on” removes the ambiguity. You are not shaming anyone. You are simply narrating what fairness looks like in practice.
Agree rules before the game starts
Mid-game rule changes are much harder to challenge once a game is underway. Spend one minute before play begins asking: “What are the rules? Does everyone agree?” This gives all children ownership of the rules — and gives you something to refer back to calmly if they change.
Praise the waiting, not just the winning
Children are praised constantly for performance — for scoring, for winning, for being best. Shift some of that attention to the harder skill: “I noticed you waited your turn even when it was difficult. That was really fair.” That moment of recognition matters more than adults realise.
Teach the difference between fair and equal
Children often confuse the two. Equal means everyone gets exactly the same. Fair means everyone gets what they need. A child who struggles with a game might need a little more support to feel included — that is not unfair to the others. It is how a group works well together.
What to Say When a Child Is Being Left Out
Responding to exclusion well is one of the most important things an adult can do in this age group. The instinct is often to step in sharply — to tell the excluding child off and insist everyone plays together. That rarely works, and it often makes the excluded child feel more visible and more uncomfortable.
The approach that works is calm, matter-of-fact, and focused on the behaviour rather than the character of the child.
When a child says “you can’t play”
“In this house, we do not leave people out. Let’s find a way to include everyone.”
Keep your tone calm and certain. You are not asking. You are stating how things work here.
When a child changes the rules unfairly
“We agreed the rules before we started. The rules stay the same for everyone — that is what makes it fair.”
Refer back to the agreement. You are not punishing — you are holding the boundary that everyone set together.
When a child is upset at being left out
“I can see that felt really unfair and it hurt. You did nothing wrong. Let’s talk about what to do next.”
Name the feeling first before moving to solutions. A child who feels heard is much more able to re-engage.
When you want to build empathy
“How do you think that felt for them? How would you feel if the same thing happened to you?”
Use this after the immediate moment has passed — not in the heat of it. It plants a seed rather than demanding an answer.
What Fair Play Looks Like at Different Ages
Children aged 5 to 10 are at very different developmental stages when it comes to understanding fairness. What you expect from a five year old should look different from what you expect from a nine year old — and adjusting your approach for the age makes a real difference.
Ages 5 to 6
Children at this age are just beginning to understand that other people have feelings and perspectives different from their own. Turn-taking can feel genuinely painful. Focus on simple, concrete rules and lots of narration from you. “It is your turn. Now it is their turn.” Repetition is the lesson.
Ages 7 to 8
Children now have a stronger sense of rules and often become very vocal when they believe rules have been broken — especially by others. This is the stage to introduce the idea that fairness means the same rules apply to everyone, including themselves. The concept of checking in with how others feel becomes meaningful here.
Ages 9 to 10
Children at this stage can begin to understand that fairness sometimes means giving someone extra support — not treating everyone identically. Social dynamics become more complex and exclusion can become more deliberate. This is the age to have direct, honest conversations about what inclusion means and why it matters.
The Most Powerful Thing You Can Do: Model It Yourself
The Department for Education’s 2024 PE guidance noted that inclusive sport can improve children’s behaviour, confidence, and sense of community and belonging. That finding points to something that goes beyond sport — children who see inclusion modelled around them absorb it as the norm.
Children learn far more from watching adults than from being told what to do. They notice when you listen to a quieter voice in a conversation rather than talking over it. Children notice when you include someone who might otherwise be on the edge of a group. They notice when you stay calm and consistent when something feels unfair, rather than reacting.
You do not need to make a speech about fairness. You need to practise it yourself, close enough for them to see.
💚 Helping children speak up when something feels unfair is a key part of building confidence and emotional safety. The Using Your Voice Adult Toolkit gives you the conversation tools to help children aged 5 to 10 find and use their voice — in play, at school, and at home.
You Are Teaching Something That Lasts a Lifetime
The Partnership for Children’s UK programmes published evidence in 2024 showing that social-emotional learning helps children develop better social skills, reduces bullying, and builds empathy. These are not abstract outcomes. They are the difference between a child who grows up knowing how to treat people well and one who does not.
Teaching a child to play fair is not about producing a perfectly well-behaved child. It is about giving them the tools to understand other people — to notice when someone is left out, to hold a boundary calmly when rules are broken, to wait their turn even when waiting is hard.
Those skills do not stay on the playground. They go to school, into friendships, into every relationship a child will ever have. And the adult who helped them practise fairness in a small, quiet, everyday moment is part of how those skills were built.
You are doing more than you think.
Coming Soon
A Guy & Cesar Story About Fairness, Taking Turns & Including Others
We are working on a new storybook and Adult Toolkit built around this exact topic. Join the waitlist to be the first to know when it launches. No newsletters — just the one message that matters.
Help Your Child Build Their Safe Circle
The Safe Circle storybook and Adult Toolkit helps children aged 5 to 10 understand boundaries, safe adults, and belonging. A calm, practical resource for parents and carers — instant digital download.